on my dark way

on my dark way, a photo by chieliciouz on Flickr.

This is in the same location, but i change the tone.. hope you all like it :)

my autumn

my autumn, a photo by chieliciouz on Flickr.

Hey, i really love this photo so much.. i feel like i'm in somewhere i belong :)

love song's or voice of broken hearted?

Haha, i don't know why, i'm currently love to sing a song ( 'karoke' in my birthday ) or just listening music ( from hardrock, pop, r n b, until bollywood-thanks-to-briptu-norman-and-all-of-tv's-who-always-blowing-up-about-"chaiya,chaiya,chaiya" to introducing me with that song --" )

Yeah, from my last broke up ( curcol "lagi" ) i like to listening music.. Because i think listening music and sing it with loudly voice will make me feel free.. make me like i'm cursing somebody.. or it song represent my heart voice or something, haha..

Well, this is my "lagu wajib ada" in my winamp :



1. Ignorance - Paramore
...Well, you treat me just like another stranger
Well, it's nice to meet you, sir
I guess I'll go, I best be on my way out..
YEAH, i love this song, since i heard at the first time when JP millenix perform in IMB, then i'm googling and download a lot of paramore song's, suddenly, i <3 all of their song's.. The most at all, is this song..
This band are so rawks, i love the upbeat, and everything on it. And this song's (maybe) tell about insurgency.
Which is somebody treat you like you are a stranger, and you didn't think you are, so you better go from them.. I DO.. i felt like 'he' treat me just like a stranger, but the problem is not "i guess i'll go" but, he go from me..(curcol "lagi") huhu, so sad, huh?

 ***

2. I Can Do Better - Avril Lavigne

I couldn't give a damn what you say to me
I don't really care what you think of me
cause either way you're gonna think what you believe
there's nothing you could say that would hurt me..

I love this part so much.. Hey mr.PJ, i couldn't give a DAMN what you say to me! i never be beside you AT LEAST AT THE MOMMENT. but you never give me a chance to prove how much i love you. so you are SUCK, you know?

..so i'm better off without you, anyway..

And all of the lyric's are greaaat! i always sing it while i'm in my bathroom, and i do this with *Marshanda style*

haha, make me like a stranger ya? but, really make me feel soooo satisfied \m/

***

3. Sang Mantan - Nidji

...Mana Janji manismu? Mencintaiku sampai mati,

Kini engkaupun pergi, Saatku terpuruk sendiri

Akulah sang mantan, Akulah sang mantan

Yapp, my winamp just like my heart, soooo random.. sometimes they so upbeating, and 3minute after that, change into mellow and slow..

If i have chance to meet him, i'll sing this song in front of his face.. where is your promise to loving me till you die? You're such a bullshit..

***



4. Nothing Last Forever - Maroon 5

..Everyday, with every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way..

Oh my, i really just realize the LYRIC is just same with my experience.. *how stupid i am, didn't know what does the lyric say --"

Yep, as maroon says, everyday with every worthless word we get more far away.. the distance between us makes it so hard to stay..

THIS IS TRULLY WHAT HE SAID TO ME, LAST TIME WE BROKE UP.

*i still remember (kurang lebih) his sms : minggu ke senin, senin ke minggu, kita cuma kaya gini2 aja.. mau sampai kapan? km bukan anak kecil lagi kan 'yang' yg slalu bermimpi menikah, bla bla bla..

and his another sms : mau sampe kapan kita berlindung dibawah kata serius? kita beda agama, ga mungkin nikah beda agama kan? pasti slh satu harus ada yang ngalah.

And now, maroon 5 agreed with him. poor me.. Actually i'm just want to prove to everyone, that our love could guide us to our way..But, yeah..finally, GOD want us to go to HIS way :(

***

5. Bertahan - Rama

...Meski kau terus sakiti aku, cinta ini akan selalu memaafkan,

Dan aku percaya nanti engkau, mengerti bahwa cintaku takkan mati..

Anddd, honestly, i feeling so hurt while he told me that i like a little girl, i'm not mature one, blablabla..

and the second, if i could flashback, he asked me to "rebuilt our relationship" in the early march, and his sms is : ya serius, klo ngga ngapain aku ngajak balikan klo akhirnya nt aku nyakitin lg! aku terima km apa adanya, lagian jg aku ga mnta apa2! dari kemarin tuh jg bukan aku ga sayang, tp aku ngerasa blm tepat aja! Tp skrg hatiku mau sm km..

SEE, this is make me hurt twice. and, what he says after we broke up at 25 march? *the sms above*

but just like the lyric above, even you hurt me many times, my love will always forgive and i believe someday you will understand that my love will never end ( terjemahan bebas a.k.a mengarang bebas ) *what icon i should put in here???

***

6. Heaven Know - Rick Price

...Maybe my love will come back someday, only heaven know

Maybe our hearts will find any way, only heaven know

And all i can do is hope and pray, coz heaven know..

My lasts song, after i cursing Him, and swearing will let him go, then i come back to remember him, forgiving him and ended by hoping him comes back to me.. ( the most impossible things i ever thought, even GOD could do it, i trully believe GOD will never do it ) because he is not mine.. i think i made not from his back bone.. but why my heart still loving him, GOD??? I believe Heaven know :)

*** actually there are still many songs that representate my feelings, but, i have no time to blog it.. i still at my office ( it's 18.11 ) still waiting time to pick up my niece at her office..

I'm sorry, goodbye..

xoxoxo

Dear my lovely God

Dear God,

I don't know how to comunicate with you lately. i feel my pray is only hanging up in the sky, not heard by YOU. yeah, i know that's only my feeling coz you knows everythings, even my future rite?

God, i really miss you. I know this is trully my fault. You never leave me, but i leave You. I'm so stupid, ya?

I fall in love with some guy ( not from You ) ( for many times ), then i forget You.

After i broke up ( again ), i'm so much desperate, i feel like i wanna give up, i feel like my world is goes crumble. I felt like i lost everything. And again, all are my fault ( i knew it ).

I'm sorry God, i didn't follow your way. i choose my own way, then i lost in my way *crying out*

I'm sorry God, i only use my own brain, not yours.

I don't know are You wanna accept my apologize or not, but i hope so.

I'm nothing without You, God..I just want come back to You, but i don't know which way. It is too dark, God.. Please show me the way, God.. Please.. *i'm begging You*

Please give me a brand new heart, maybe made from steel or something ( not the fragille one ).

Please give me Your holy spirit, to guide me to stepped into Your way ( only your way/the truth way ).

Please forgive me, forgive all of my ignorance, my stupidness, my fault.

Please give me your amnesty.. *oh look, i asked first then i do apologize *this is my second fault --"
I hope you read these letter God, and start to forgive me and fulfill my wish..
i wont wishing him again, God.. i just wish i could come back to You. I just wanting to placed in Your courts.
Flying high like an eagle, passed the storm with You. I will never thinking about who's will be my husband, i'm just surrender to You.. Because i believe, You are the only one who know which, and who the best for me..
Amen

after almost two weeks

Fuih.. it is almost 2 weeks after i broke up, but nothing changes..I still feel my life goes grey.. Not black neither white.. it's in the middle..in bahasa, ppls often said "mati segan, hidup tak mau" and it is in me now.. I feel lost my spirit, even sometimes a few of my besties come to support me, they encourage me, and in another hour i got my self drowning in my tears..oh, i really hate to be weak. this is trully not really me.. I on my past is achie = the cheerup girl. And now, i felt like i lost my power, i don't know why.. Is it because LIFE goes me on the real life? make me more mature? make me change into real 'woman' with serious thought, without cheering up anymore? it's sounds scared you know.

Or maybe my love life is really suck? God still didn't want me find my soulmate so i could be focus in my relationship with HIM? is that true, GOD? Many question i couldn't answered or i didn't find the answered.

Anyway, i made this post is just for make my badmood thrown away from these day..

I still love my P, still missing him everyday, everytime, everyhour, everyminute even everysecond. I can't tell to anybody especially my besties, because they will call me 'stupid girl' yeah, now i'll call my self by this nickname. i do feel sooo stupid, until now, wishing him come back to me *that's the most impossible thing ever* but, i still wish any miracle. oh, i believe even GOD can do it, HE choose to do it nothing.

Okay, i still have normal brain. my brain always told me to forget him, to letting him go or maybe to let my self stepped forward.. But what about my heart??? i'll call my heart as my h. 

my h always stands on the opposite of my brain. my h always breaks my efforts to forget him..

I believe ppl will agree with me, that  heart and brain will never cooperate as well even they're both in the same body. Yeah, that's what i feel. i dooo, i wanna moving forward, i don't wanna cry anymore for PJ ( the one who never love me ) but my heart screaming out that i still love PJ, still need PJ ( even he's soo farr awayy from me ). So i feel like i have an eyes but i cannot see. i run from the fact. i played with my fated.
This is really bad situation, and i really hate this *i've told it twice in this post*
And the worst is, i cannot fixed my relationship with GOD. Actually most ppls will come to GOD when she/he broke up. But what about me? i run away from HIM. oh GOD, please help me..
I'd try manyyy times to come back to you, but i feel i'm not too good to meet YOU. I really wanna fix all the messed up things in my messed up life.
I hope i could mooving forward, soonest. whatsoever the way. I HAVE TO!
Goodbye my lover P.. i hope we could meet someday, in our another life. and, i still and will always miss you..

@chieliciouz