after almost two weeks

Fuih.. it is almost 2 weeks after i broke up, but nothing changes..I still feel my life goes grey.. Not black neither white.. it's in the middle..in bahasa, ppls often said "mati segan, hidup tak mau" and it is in me now.. I feel lost my spirit, even sometimes a few of my besties come to support me, they encourage me, and in another hour i got my self drowning in my tears..oh, i really hate to be weak. this is trully not really me.. I on my past is achie = the cheerup girl. And now, i felt like i lost my power, i don't know why.. Is it because LIFE goes me on the real life? make me more mature? make me change into real 'woman' with serious thought, without cheering up anymore? it's sounds scared you know.

Or maybe my love life is really suck? God still didn't want me find my soulmate so i could be focus in my relationship with HIM? is that true, GOD? Many question i couldn't answered or i didn't find the answered.

Anyway, i made this post is just for make my badmood thrown away from these day..

I still love my P, still missing him everyday, everytime, everyhour, everyminute even everysecond. I can't tell to anybody especially my besties, because they will call me 'stupid girl' yeah, now i'll call my self by this nickname. i do feel sooo stupid, until now, wishing him come back to me *that's the most impossible thing ever* but, i still wish any miracle. oh, i believe even GOD can do it, HE choose to do it nothing.

Okay, i still have normal brain. my brain always told me to forget him, to letting him go or maybe to let my self stepped forward.. But what about my heart??? i'll call my heart as my h. 

my h always stands on the opposite of my brain. my h always breaks my efforts to forget him..

I believe ppl will agree with me, that  heart and brain will never cooperate as well even they're both in the same body. Yeah, that's what i feel. i dooo, i wanna moving forward, i don't wanna cry anymore for PJ ( the one who never love me ) but my heart screaming out that i still love PJ, still need PJ ( even he's soo farr awayy from me ). So i feel like i have an eyes but i cannot see. i run from the fact. i played with my fated.
This is really bad situation, and i really hate this *i've told it twice in this post*
And the worst is, i cannot fixed my relationship with GOD. Actually most ppls will come to GOD when she/he broke up. But what about me? i run away from HIM. oh GOD, please help me..
I'd try manyyy times to come back to you, but i feel i'm not too good to meet YOU. I really wanna fix all the messed up things in my messed up life.
I hope i could mooving forward, soonest. whatsoever the way. I HAVE TO!
Goodbye my lover P.. i hope we could meet someday, in our another life. and, i still and will always miss you..

@chieliciouz

don't know who would hear my heart voice

Oh my! it's been along long time ago ya, gw ga ngeblog.. fuih, at this time, i feel i have to bloggin.. because as i write on the top, i don't know "siapa lagi" would hear my d*mn heart voice.. *sigh
gw ngerasa bulan maret ini beraaaat banget.. pertama kalinya gw ultah "semu" banget *pinjem kata2nya dia*.. tau knapa? ini semua karena PJ.. yaa, dia yang ku cinta..
gw jujur masih sayaaang banget sama si inisial PJ ini..dan entah kenapa, suatu malam di bulan maret, em, subuh tepatnya kita smsan dan, dia ngajak balikan..
it's kind a feeling earth changed into heaven, you know?! he asked me to make a relationship (again), after he broke it up last time. dan seketika itu gw ngerasa "this's is my march" dan, yeah, kita jalanin hari2 kita dengan LDR yang bahagia.. tanpa ada berantem2.. Gw ngerasa dy bener2 menepati janjinya, dia berubah jadi lebih baik dari sebelumnya..
Tapi entah setan mana yang merasuki hatinya, dipertengahan maret, dia mlh pengen kita putus.. dan kali ini hati gw bener2 hancur.. 2x disakitin sama dia..
yeah i know, i'm the stupid one. maaaany ppl said it to me. but love always do the stupid things, right? that's why they called "love is blind" ..
and the stupid-est one is his argument about our LDR.. d*mn! he knows already, we are separately loooong distance.. between jakarta and bali.. which is soooo far awaaaaaaay..
HE KNEW IT ALREADY.
ah, bener2 ga ngerti sama cowo yg satu ini..
yang jelas, dia bener2 sudah mengobrak-abrik hati gueee..
What a lovely march, isn't? :'(
i have no boyfriend on my birthday, and my heart is half already.. oh myy!
Dan tiap gw curhat sama orang2 disekeliling gw, mereka pasti nyalahin gw..
Kenapa lo jatuh dilubang yang sama, kenapa lo percaya sama dia, kenapa lo tetep sayang sama dia..
pertanyaan itu slalu dipertanyakan sama temen2 gw.. oh, shit! sampe sekarangun jawaban gw tetep sama..
karena gw sayang sama diaaaa.. and i trully hated my feelings..
Sampe detik ini gw pun masih sayang sama dia, even nyakitin banget rasanyaaa..
BRB, i have to finish it anyway.. gw lagi dikantor dan, bos2pun sudah datang, mari bekerjaaaa..
i'll continuing these story if possible.. and yeah, if i ready with this pain..

Semoga akan kudapati hati yg tulus mencintaiku, someday..

xoxo,
chieliciouz

no other that i can say, except confused.

Oh, i hate yesterday..

someone i known as my partner in my office called me last night..

i'm going to sleep on that time, but suddently i shocked when i heard what he said..

he only said "Chie, we changed the scenario.. you have to 'out' first, then i'll out afterwards"

oh nooo!! i'm not ready yet! that's really make me confused..

i have to moved out from my current office which i've stayed almost 3 years?!?!?!?!?!

not easy, and i do scared, what will happened in my new office, *uh well, i'm going stressful now, because i'm not telling you yet the old scenario*

Well, i have ex bos, which already resigned from my office, and he make a new office, also a travel agency..And now he asked me to joined with him..

That's why i am so confused..really hard to decide it..

And tonight is the final conclusion, i'll meet up with my ex bos and discuss about my desk job, my salary, etc..

Oh GOD, i really need YOU to guide me into the right way, please...

if i were SOKO

Lately i wondering, i haven't cannot sleep in my best time ( at 10 pm or last 11pm ).. Even i came in my bedroom at 10pm, but what i did is listening my 'old playlist' in my 'old mobilephone' ( i need new mobile phoneee!! BB or iphone, please God #cryingout #likealittlebaby )

And the one of my favourite song's is SOKO with title I'LL KILL HER..

Watchout the video, guys!!

and here is the lyric :

So, of course, you are supposed to come tonight.
You are supposed to come tonight.
We'll have gone to the cinema
and after to this restaurant, the one you like in your street.
We'll have slept together,
have a night breakfast together.
And walking about together.
How beautiful is that!
You would have said 'i love you' in the cutest place on earth where some lullabies are dancing with the fairies.
I would have waited like a week or two but you never tried to reach me, no, you never call me back.

[2 sentences]

So, if I find, I swear,I swear,

CHORUS
I'll kill her, I'll kill her.
She stole my future,
She broke my dream,
I'll kill her, I'll kill her.
She stole my future
When she took you away

I would have met your friends
We would have drunk like a drink or two.
They would have lied to me,
'Cause sometimes I'm funny!
I would have met your dad,
I would have met your mum.
She would have said 'please, can you make some beautiful babies?'
So we would have had a boy called Tom, and a girl called Suzanne
..born in Japan !

I thought it was a love story,
But you don't want to get involved.
I thought it was a love story,
But you're not ready for that.
Me neither,

CHORUS

She's a bitch, you know
She's got her blondless
No need a tenderness
She's cleverless.

I would have waited like a week or two but you never tried to reach me, no, you never call me back.

CHORUS

Well, actually i didn't mean anything about this lyric, but i just like the music, so easy listening rite? just like you crabbing bout your life.. i'll try it someday..put in youtube and wishing any some producers will interested with me, and ask me to join with him.. hahaha

And now, i feel like i want to kill someone! rrraawwwrr!

Regards before i kill you,

@chieliciouz

Think and thought

Its been long time i am not write in my blog..

And now i just have a random quote from my little 'genius' brain, and i wont it miss.. so i have to write it in my blog :D

GOD make it by HIS own way.. even HE doesn't juggled this thursday become friday..but, STILL, HE make a lil miracle for me :) 
*at least that's quote what i've made and published in my twitter

You know why i write these quote? it just because my God, already make a miracle for me..

It happened today, while  my schedule to my office to Ubud.. I really wished not to goes to Ubud ( then i asked GOD to juggled thursday become friday which is kind of impossible thing ), because i feel so bored there.. nothing to do, except tweeting, facebook-ing kind like that, not my prior job..

And then God answers my pray..my director said we're will not going to Ubud as long as we have many jobs to do.. yeay!

Even just A LITTLE MIRACLE, but in RIGHT TIME, i felt it so wonderful, don't you?

i wish u will always have a miracle then!

xoxo

@chieliciouz