2 years living without blogging

I can't believe last time i blogged was on 2013. You know, so many things happened this pass 2 years, until i realize that i still have this blog. Been trying many times to be logged in, since i forget which email i signed for this blog #silly.

Well you might be really shocked by the news that i will wrote here. Yeah, i know i will not posted every details that you missed since last 2 years because it will takes another next 2 years to write :'p
But, this is will be my first post for my really personal life.

These day, i'm pregnant, 8 months already. In doctor prediction, this is supposed to be my 34 weeks pregnancy. Did i married with my boyfie? The answers is NO.
Then? Yeah, my silly, stupid, foolish self which bring me to this situation.
I've almost 2 years have a relationship with my boyfriend ( or if i could say my baby's father ) until last August, i have late period. I have bad feeling about that, since i never been late for the period time.
Then, i have my own self to take pregnancy test in the next month ( still waiting week by week to have period, but it not come yet ). And guest what, i am positively pregnant.
That's the worst day in my life, ever! Knowing that i'm pregnant on that age ( 24 yo ) without married certificate, and hell yeah, i lived in this traditionally Indonesia. That was the taboo things here.
Well it might be no problem if in the next few months we ( read : me and my baby's father ) married, since in Bali, it's such as a "normal" things ( please blame western tradition which have so many influence to Balinese tradition ).
But, from the day i knew i'm pregnant, until i decided to go to the doctor for make sure, my baby's father didn't believe that i'm pregnant.
That day, 18th September 2014 was the day we went to the doctor for the first time. I hear my baby's heart beat. The baby is 2 months already, so she/he have a heart and it works already.
Finally, my baby's father trust that i'm pregnant. He start to promise me a lot of things. Marriage and everything. But, in the journey, right after both of our parents know about my pregnancy ( in the early October ), all things went miserable.
Yes, all was miserable including my life. It starts from his mother, she cursing me many times by her words which is hurt me so damn much. Then, i know something bad about my boyfriend.
HE CHEATED ME A THOUSAND TIMES WITH A THOUSAND BITCHES ( yes, BITCHES, seriously. i could prove everything i said in this post ) which i never know before. Life curse me now, yes?
That's the reason that i finally decided to postponed my wedding. Actually, we already planned our wedding for this year, last January.
After know all of his betrayal, how can i continuously my wedding? Do you will do the same thing if you in my position?  
His parents do the same things to me, they promise me many things but at the end, they doesn't prove even one of they own words. Silly me? Poor them? Maybe yes for both.

So, if i could count, it's been 4 months i never see him ( my baby's father ) only connected once or twice in a week but always ended with fighting. I could live till this far without him. My baby still grow up healthy in my tummy. It just because the mercy of GOD for me and my baby. Not because the guy that doesn't deserve to be the father of my baby. Nor because his/her grandparents money. It's pure because of GOD wants to. GOD will have a good plan for me and my baby. She/He is my everything.. I still doubt that my baby is boy or girl, but doctor prediction is girl. Well i will be really happy if my baby is a girl, because i could share anything with her if she's already be a teenager. But, it's ok too if he's boy, for sure.

I am promise will update this blog more often. Will update about my pregnancy since this is my virtual diary.
Well, actually i am more often to share in my private path.
But, i miss this blog too, so i will try to share a little bit my time for this blog.
Oh ya, if my doctor prediction not wrong, i will deliver my baby on 1st of May, please pray for this ya..

I do hope my miserable story could give you all guys a lesson, so you will not ruin your beautiful life.
Regretting always comes at the end, so don't waste your time with someone that don't deserve to.
Life is too short, live it happily, and blaaaaaah.

Last, my preggie picture :')

My 6 month pregnancy

xoxo,
Chieliciouz-A mom to be

Instagram

Just had a chance to post something.. therefore, i would like to proudly present my INSTAGRAM account, yeay! Just please click the link above to know my daily updates. Actually i have a lot of stories that i could share with you, but i'm still in my period ( i could use that for alibi, thanks God I'm a girl. ) , that's makes me too lazy to post about my recent activities, haha! *Need your favor to forgive me* 

Gotta updates to you after i move to another place *1st clue* with better connection and gadgets ( i hope ).

See ya!

xoxo,

Sunday Updates

Hi fellas! Yes I know, its been a long time ago since my last post #CallMeBadBloggerThen. But for your information, I've been through so many things that time. Therefore, to redeem my laziness, I will give you a couple of post today, yeay! Before that, let me explain the quick of my journey along my "silent time"..

MARCH

This is my photo diary about my sickness at the hospital. 

1. DC from my doctor

2. The result of my blood test ( after 3 days of fever )

3. My hand got so many red dots *DB signs*

4. Finally, 21st of March went to HOSPITAL *my first and last time i wish*

5. I have to shoot my meals after i ate that, my boyfie asked me for that

6. Watching TV alone. almost everyday i spent at the hospital by myself :_(

7. Almost healed. Time for taking pict with my nephew

8. Getting better, look at my face, it's shinner than the days before hahaha! 

9. The best thing of getting sick is, you GOT what you've want. Yes, i want lasagna please..

I know, I'm kinda forgot to tell you that I've been stay at the Hospital around 5 days because of DB ( Demam Berdarah ). It's happened in the middle of March, 21st of march for the exact. You know, I never been so that awful before. My sick list is just flu, cough, or the worst is maag. But that time was the worst ill of my life for sure. I've never been stay at the hospital because of my ill ( except when i was new baby born, i'm a weak baby, doctor ever diagnosed my have a paru-paru basah *which i don't know the English is ).

So that's would be my first and last time laying there. My hemoglobin was only 86 that time ( from the normal is 140-440 ) which is under the average, and its getting lower at the day i went to the hospital ( its 56, wtf !@#$% ). So I've been there for 5-really-suffering-and-sick-and-awful-days because of the infus was really sick, and 2 TIMES A DAY the doctor will take 5ml of my blood, REALLY SICK OF THEM!

The best news is, I GAIN my WEIGHT down for 3 KILOGRAMS everybody!!! *SUPER PROUD*

APRIL

Went to BALI HAI!!!

I will post in separate post later, yeay!

MAY

Look at my recent profile at my Facebook :')

Yes, yes.. I finally decided to resign from my last office PT. Access Asia Holiday , then TRYING and MOVING to hotel. Mmm, that's my really BIG decision, that's also my BIG step which is can change everything in my life ( a new and better level of my career of course ). Sometimes I can't believe what I've done. A little regret comes into my heart, but, I'm kind a 'keras kepala' person. I will hold on into what i'm believe in it. Praise The Lord, I'm still grateful with this decision I took. Why it feels so tough? First, I'm not an easy to blend with new peoples, hard to adaptation person, and enjoy already in the comfort zone.

So the questions comes up to my head, how if the environment was not good as my last office? how if i have no partner? how if the job is boring? how if that? how if this? But, hey, I have to move on! I have to take a little ( OR MORE BIG step ) for better life. To pursue my dream.. 

Now I'm almost 2 months here ( works as Reservation at The Oasis Beach Benoa ) , and I ( have to ) enjoying my jobs here. Even tough, the reality laughing so loud at me. I have to face it, I have to fight for it. 

Well, I still need more energy for that, therefore I need you guys to pray for me ( may God bless you, whom pray for me abundantly ) :')

JUNE

My love for my BoyFie is getting bigger, even we still arguing sometimes. But that's what they called LOVE, isn't?

Nothing much I could say regarding the last June. Since I still on process to adaptation. Arghhh, it's getting harder but I won't give up! And my love life also. I wont give up on our relationship baby.. God know's we worth ed :')

JULY

Chillin with my best best best friend! what a lovely 

Yes, finally, after our last meeting ( on Elisa's birthday on November ) we meet again. With mom-soon-to-be Icha ( look at her 4months tummy, big isn't? ) and the hijab's Elisa. All of us changes guys.. 8 months of living apart, makes us grow older, wiser and 'bigger' :p But the trend mark of us is not changed at all, OUR CRAZINESS. hahaha.. I hope we still could gathering together like before, maybe with her child, her husband and mine :p

Well that's my updates from march till now. I promise will post more. And I hope I will get more followers btw T.T

xoxo

Happy ( belated ) Valentine's Day!

No words that I can tell you right now *still in period and had a bad mood, anyway.

I owe you the story yes? Gonna post it later, maybe in our monthversary :D

So all I can write here is, happy (belated) valentine's day for all of you, from me and my boyfie :*

xoxo,

@chieliciouz

Another SUNday..

I'm back to blogging, yay! After my super-busy-time for moving out from my (rent) house to the temporary room ( in Indonesia called KOST *oh I just googled that words formerly taken from Dutch ). Yes, I finally rent A room for my self. Even still nearby my sister's room. 

Too complicated to be explain anyway *sorry.

So here I am, trying hard to be more often blogging, especially for outfit post :)

This is my outfit for last Sunday, while I went to church..

What I wore : Unbranded chiffon dress (include inner) bought at ITC Fatmawati,
Necklace from  Frezia  , Unbranded tights,  and Amelie from Up 

*My self timer camera mode : ON*

Looking the picture above reminds me about my old rental house. That's my messy bedroom. Yes, blue color not because I love blue, but it could make your room cooler ( i'm sure ). Ah, too much memories there. And I'm going to cry now :'( Gonna miss you my little peace house. It's been 3 years we used you for our shelter. You are the witness of our (sad and glad) stories. You'll be always in my mind, even my bedroom are the suck one, because of the leaky roof x_x 

I still wish I could buy you, someday :')

Last but not least, that picture taken by me, with self timer. So sorry for bad resolution, because yeah, my suck-but-i-loved-to-be-there room is too tight and again messy, only that photo that I could got >.<

And sure, this is the last, this is FEBRUARY baby! Andddd I can't wait for my birthday on March *one step closer :p  .. Oh, I can't wait for valentine also, since on 27 January 2013, I'm officially had a boyfriend *dancing* 

Well, will see what will happened for the next, just wish us luck! :)

xoxo,

@chieliciouz

I'm Stronger Than Yesterday..

My loneliness ain't killing me no more, I'm stronger.

*I don't know why I remember about the song from Britney Spears, stronger, that could expressing my feeling right now. Therefore I choose that photo also, it express my loneliness covered by the sea~

Yay, today is the first day in December 2012. Yes, December, the end of year. My heart beating hardly. A half feeling is so excited with what will happen in this full of miracle month, and another side is feeling do disappointed with my self. 

We'll go for the bad feeling first ya.. To be honest, I'm starting the year of 2012 not seriously. Not just like another passed year, I always be quiet in my room, thinking about what will be my resolution for the new year, this 2012, I passed by watched fireworks in Kuta with the wrong person. 

Curious who? Go back to my post a few months ago. 

See, I started my new year with the wrong man and wrong place >.< 

For me now, it's ok I be called by "the girl next door" or "a homie girl" which-is-spending-the-new-year-eve-by-locking-my self-in-my room, but (trust me) it would be meaningful for us. 

Actually, I still made a few of resolution (which is written in my binder) , But, it just like a streaking of random though, which is I can't remember why I wrote it. *poor me*

And because of that, a lot of my resolution not getting real. Even yeah, I still have the rest of this December to catch up my resolution (Gosh, can I??). A little bit disappointed with my self :"(

But hey, (again) this is the end of the year 2012!!! I've been passing 11 (really hard) months I ever though. Especially the moment of broken heart. Yaaaay, I've been through it all..

All of this year make the feeling of bittersweet, happiness, sadness, and all of the feeling, comes up into my mind.

My biggest thanks to my Jesus, who made my day by day precious. He's the one who make my loneliness ain't killing me no more. Yes, with my Jesus, I'm stronger than yesterday. And ready to face the rest of this month.
My Jesus, keep guiding me through this end of the year :*

xoxo,
@chieliciouz

Best friend in Best Time

Really glad to post so productive like this :") Yes, I have nothing to do today..
*free day! on Monday!* *ass dancing*
Now I want to share with you about my best friend in our best time.
Yay! Finally, God read my post about them.. Then, we met up! After a few months we not meet >.<
Guess what, we just met up for 2 hours and 30 minutes in Kuta. It's because Elisa got herself calling from her boyfie and Icha also promise to her hubby to be home at 18.30pm. And just because I'm the single one, I have moreeeeee free time. *POOR ME*
So, we use our "BEST TIME" for late lunch at Pizza Hut ( our favorite restaurant, after KFC *LOL! ) and went to Beachwalk ( the most famous place in Bali nowdays ) for super quick photoshoot :))
So here they are..

Sorry for really bad resolution. Again, because all the photos taken from my blackberry. I'm so overhanging with my blackberry nowdays. Really. Now I still thinking to buy a new camera. But, I still confuse, whether want to buy digital camera with good quality or DSLR ( my dream camera ). Oh, I still have no money yet, I might be purchase them by my credit card :(( 

I'm really sick without any camera!!! arghhhh >.< Anyway, do you have any recommendation for digital camera which have a great shoot? If you don't mind, please let me know :)

Ok, enough for the "curcol" , back to these post. It's really great time we have.. We finally found our happiness, our laugh, our jokes, our silly-things. For sure, even for a certain time, I enjoyed more than a day without them ♥♥♥♥♥
I hope there will be any another best time for us to meet up again.. Well, actually, I had a crash with Elisa, last saturday. I can't tell you why, but it is the biggest crash we ever had. I don't know until when we will be like this. We supposed to be maturer, right? But we don't. Really feeling guilty about that :"( I wish we will set aside our egoism and will be together again #CrossFinger.

Alright, I gotta go. It's 5pm already *Have to go home, soon, before my boss come to the office. Promise, will post more tomorrow.
For sure, because I have a lot of stories running into my head :D

*Theme Song : Sahabat Sejati - Sheila On 7*

See ya, guys!

xoxo,
@chieliciouz

Recent Updates

Wohooo! It's been a long time I didn't update my blog :( *Please forgive me*

But today, this is just a quick post. Because I still have no idea what I supposed to write :p

Just recent updates of what's going on with me lately..

Explanation :

A. I cut my bangs ^^ 

I got inspired from serial Tv "New Girl" a.k.a Jess ( the actress ) in Star World ch. 156 =)

B. Hey, did you know what pic is that? It's called BPKB.

Yesss. That's my OWN! well I don't know what in english, but that book is describe about your motor-cycle/vehicle. Finally, I pay off my credits of my mio =) *with my OWN money, from my sweat after work for almost 4 years* How proud I am <3

C. That's my schedule of servant in my church.

Yay, finally! I could finishing my target slash resolution slash dream *or whatever you called it* ( again ).

I'm a singer now *Big Grin* Even my voice not as good as a real singer, but I'm sure GOD loves my voice so much, even more than lady gaga voice, I guess. He loves my heart and soul too, because my voice represent them =) 

Hope will going well then. 

Well that's what happened in me in about last month. With proudly I announce, I've been reached a couple from a lot of my resolution this year. Aaa, how I love my life <3

And the best news is, I still have 5 months to reach all of my resolution. Yay! Please wish me luck! =)

xoxoxo

Don't you remember?

Being so in love with the song's from Adele - Don't you remember .. 

Yeah, this song was really remind me with someone out there *which is love Adele too* 

He always sang "someone like you" after he broke up with his gf. And guest what, he's not only gets someone like you *his ex* but he COME BACK with his ex! *Please, let me laugh so loud, HAHAHAHA!*Evil's laugh*

But even i love that songs too, i never agree with what Adele says : "Never mind, i'll find someone like you.." Ugh, it was so galau, you know? How come you could move on if you still finding someone like your ex? I'm a real dreamer. And I'm still the major of "miracle believer" , therefore until now, i still believe that : if you broke up with your BF/GF it means there's nothing to be struggle with. So GOD give you both a space, because HE will give the other one for both of you. Of course the best and even the greatest one. Why we give us tiring way to find someone like your ex-which-is-not-so-worth-for-you? 

But, in this song, Adele still in mellow mood i thought. And the lyric of this song was so ME. 

Yes, this is what i feel today..

When will I see you again?

You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said,

No final kiss to seal any seams,

I had no idea of the state we were in,

I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness,

And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,

But don't you remember?

Don't you remember?

The reason you loved me before,

Baby, please remember me once more,

When was the last time you thought of me?

Or have you completely erased me from your memory?

I often think about where I went wrong,

The more I do, the less I know,

But I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness,

And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,

But don't you remember?

Don't you remember?

The reason you loved me before,

Baby, please remember me once more,

Gave you the space so you could breathe,

I kept my distance so you would be free,

And hope that you find the missing piece,

To bring you back to me,

Why don't you remember?

Don't you remember?

The reason you loved me before,

Baby, please remember me once more,

When will I see you again?

Aaah, yeah, to be honest, in my fickle heart ( galau ) and bitterness ( kebencian ) to him, I still have a feeling of missing him. Everything we'd passed, six month is not a short time. There was still on my mind, completely. But my question is, DON'T YOU REMEMBER??? I won't to ask him the reason he loved me before. I just want to ask him, DID he ever loved me before? then where does it goes? 

But still, I'm standing now, try to walk away.. Not to forget it, but i will always remember him in my deepest heart, bring it all on my way.. 

from loving to missing

Pic description : 1. Preparing, 2. After a few days, 3. After more than a week, 4. After 2 weeks i should throw away the water, 5. Me turning on the light

Well, as you seen in the picture above, there is a gift from DEE while he was visited me last January. Named crystal garden. Yes, you make a beautiful crystal by yourself with the materials which already provided in that box ( Pic 1 ). This is a super lovely gift I ever had. Since I've never got any gift, especially from my someone special -___-" I'm too excited to made it last time. But, so sorry, I don't know where to buy it, just ask Dee, HAHAHA!

Sure, really happy to wait day by day, while the crystal growing up within my feel leading them to grow beautifully <3 

Yesss, almost every day I told him the evolution of these crystal. I captured, then i send the pic via bbm. 

*In that time, before we're both losing contact until I write these post #SuddenlySad.

I thought i made a mistake, I dip the water a little bit much, so the crystal not growing so well.

And Dee always blame me about it :(

Dee also said that I'm not doing it with all of my lovely feeling. About these, Dee was really WRONG.

I made it with a super missing him feeling, I even made it with a full of love.

If i could say, the crystal growing within loving feeling me to him.

He said, he tried to find "I LOVE YOU" tags with pink color of the crystal. But he didn't found it. So he choose "MISSING YOU" tags, wishing me know that he missing me.

This is have been 4 months from that time. Time goes so fast. Just like his feeling.

His feeling gone as fast as the crystal grown. Yes, his feeling are gone too fast before I realized.

Not like my feeling while I made it, growing up everyday. It become bigger and bigger.

But yeah, again, blame the time. Time changes everything they want, everytime they needed to.

Now feeling of loving him, change become feeling of REALLY MISSING him.

Missing mean not just languished someone, it means losing a thing.

But here I am, only could keeping my feeling inside my heart. Cannot tell him, just hoping he will realize someday. And wish, the crystal tell the truth, he's missing me :)

LOOK THOSE COLOR. IT SHINE SO BRIGHT AND BEAUTIFUL IN THE DARK :)

P.S : Dee, if you read these, I just want you to know how I miss you. This saturday, brings me to the feeling of missing you :( 

You know what, I will always keep that gift forever. I'll remember that I ever love you when I see that crystal, and i will interpret that you missing me too when I see it :)

Miss you, Dee..

=========================================================

TRANSLATION

Ya, seperti yang lo lihat di gambar diatas, ada hadiah dari DEE pas dia ketemu gw bulan Januari lalu. Namanya Crystal Garden. Ya, disini lo membuat kristal indah itu sendiri dengan bahan-bahan yang udah tersedia didalam box di gambar nomer 1. Ini hadiah terindah yang pernah gw dapet. Sejak gw nggak pernah dapet hadiah apapun terutama dari orang yang spesial -____-" Gw terlalu bersemangat buat bikin itu kemaren.

Tapi maaf, gw gak tau dimana harus beli itu, tanya aja sama si Dee, hahaha!

Bener deh, seneng banget nunggu hari ke hari, ketika kristal itu tumbuh besar dan indah dipimpin sama perasaan gw <3

Ya, hampir tiap hari gw kasih tau perkembangan si kristal sama Dee, gw foto dan gw kirim gambarnya via bbm. *Pada waktu itu, sebelum kita berdua bener-bener kehilangan kontak sama dia sampe detik gw nulis postingan ini #MendadakSedih.

Gw rasa gw membuat kesalahan ketika memasukkan air kedalemnya, kayaknya kebanyakan, jadi nggak bertumbuh dengan baik. Dan Dee selalu nyalahin gw gara-gara itu :(

Dee juga bilang, itu gara-gara gw nggak sepenuh hati ngerjainnya, dan dalam hal ini Dee SALAH besar.

Gw bikinnya dengan perasaan kangen yang super, bahkan dengan perasaan  penuh cintaaa #aisssh *ini di indonesiain jadi lucu yaaah >.<

Kalo boleh gw bilang, kristal ini gw buat dengan perasaan cinta gw sama si Dee.

Dia bilang sih, dia nyari yang tulisannya "I LOVE YOU" dengan kristalnya berwarna pink, tapi dia nggak ketemu ( kehabisan katanya ), jadi dia pilih "MISSING YOU", berharap gw tau kalo dia kangen sama gw.

Ini udah berjalan 4 bulan dari waktu itu. Waktu berjalan sangat cepat, kaya perasaannya dia.

Perasaannya hilang sama cepatnya dengan tumbuhnya kristal itu ( cuma 2 minggu mamen! ).

Ya, perasaannya bener-bener udah ilang, sebelum gw bener-bener menyadarinya.

Nggak seperti perasaan gw saat gw bikin kristal itu, bertumbuh setiap hari. Jadi semakin besar, dan besar.

Lagi lagi, salahkan waktu. Waktu merubah apapun yang dia mau, dan kapanpun dia perlukan.

Sekarang, perasaan cinta gw ke dia, berubah menjadi perasaan SANGAT MERINDUKAN dia.

Missing disini bukan cuma berarti merindukan seseorang, tapi juga kehilangan suatu hal.

Tapi disini gw sekarang, cuman bisa nyimpen perasaan gw didalem hati gw yang paling dalem. Gak bisa ngungkapin ke dia, cuma bisa berharap dia bakalan sadar suatu hari nanti. 

Dan berharap kristal itu ngomong yang sebenernya, kalo dia bener-bener kangen sama gw :)

Letter to Dee

Dear Dee,

Hmm, sebenernya bimbang banget mau nulis surat ini buat kamu..

Aku takut, kalo aku nulis ini, akan ada yang berubah.. Tapi kalo aku ga ungkapin, akan ada dusta diantara kita #eeaa #Sempet2nyaNgelawak.

Oke serius, semakin deket.. tiap hari telponan, tiap hari sharing, tiap hari ketawa bareng, tiap hari diskusi bareng, tiap hari adu mulut, ah, rasanya emang semakin nggak jelas..

Jadi surat ini ungkapan hati aku ke kamu..

Dee, aku sayang sama kamu.. Kamu tau aku kan, aku itu orang yang gampang mencintai orang ( kalau aku udah ngerasa klik sama orang itu ) dan sekalinya cinta, aku akan cinta secinta2nya sama orang itu..

Dan aku ngerasain hal itu sama kamu.. Ini jelas perasaan yang beda sama waktu kita SMP dulu..

TAPI, aku tau, aku sadar, dan aku mengerti, ada 2 hal paling penting yang menghalangi kita :

1. Jarak

Yeah, entah udah ke berapa kalinya kamu minta aku buat tinggal di Jakarta.. 

Dan aku tau, penjelasan aku selanjutnya akan buat kamu bosen sebosen2nya.. 

Tapi itu harus aku jelasin lagi, dan lagi.. 

GA SEMUDAH ITU, Lek.. Iya, pindah dari satu kota, ke kota lain itu gak semudah itu..

Kita udah sama2 dewasa.. Ada banyak hal yang perlu aku pikirin.. Mulai dari keluarga aku yang masih butuh aku.. Pekerjaan aku disini, dan atas dasar apa aku pindah ke Jakarta, tujuannya apa.

Semua HARUS aku pikirin dengan matang. Iya gampang, kalo aku anak gubernur.. Pindah ya tinggal pindah..

Ga perlu mikirin kerja apa, makan apa, tinggal dimana..

Sedangkan aku? Aku masih punya banyak tanggung jawab di Bali.. 

Jujur, aku memang ada rencana untuk tinggal di Jakarta, Tapi nanti, setelah semuanya beres..

Ya, kredit motor aku, terus kalo aku udah bener2 settled semuanya deh..At least aku ngumpulin modal buat hidup sendiri di sana..Kalo aku boleh nyanyi, "Tunggulah aku, di Jakarta mu.."

Entah, apa aku nantinya masih punya kesempatan atau nggak..

Itu sebabnya aku nggak bisa dan gak mau nuntut kamu untuk memperjelas hubungan kita..

Karena aku BELUM bisa ada di samping kamu.. Belum bisa bahagiain kamu sepenuhnya.. Aku cuma bisa support kamu sebatas doa, semangat dan suara aku.. Aku cuma bisa jadi orang yang nemenin kamu saat kamu pulang dari warnet, dan menjelang tidur kamu.. Aku gak bisa pinjemin bahu aku buat jadi sandaran kamu saat kamu lelah.. Bahkan kamu gak bisa ngeliat aku senyum saat kamu lagi bahagia..

Tapi itu bukan berarti aku gak bisa merasakan apa yang kamu rasakan, Lek.. Sebaliknya.. Aku bisa merasakan semuanya.. 

2. Agama

Daaan, inilah hal paling prinsipil, paling sensitif, paling mendasar, paling penting, dan paling2 yang lainnya..

Kamu tau kan, aku udah sering jadian sama orang yang beda iman sama aku.. Awalnya mereka meyakinkan aku, bahwa akan ada jalan nantinya, tapi di tengah jalan, malah mereka yang menyerah..

2 yang terakhir, aku merasa terlalu naif.. kalau boleh aku pinjem kata2 dari mantan aku ( P ) , aku seperti anak kecil yang memimpikan pernikahan indah, yang tanpa berpikir realitanya..

Aku terlalu percaya bahwa akan ada keajaiban yang bisa mempersatukan hubungan beda agama itu..

Tapi tidak untuk kali ini.. Kali ini aku menyerah sebelum aku memulai.. Karena pada akhirnya aku yang tersakiti.. Karena hanya aku yang percaya pada keajaiban itu.. Dan aku takut itu terjadi lagi..

Lagi2 akupun gak bisa berkorban hal prinsipil ini sama kamu.. Bukan karena egois, tapi karena memang tidak bisa dipaksakan..

Dee, Kita harus belajar bahwa cinta tak harus saling memiliki.. Itu sebabnya aku membebaskan kamu.. Aku gak mau mengikat kamu, karena akupun tidak bisa menjanjikan kebahagiaan buat kamu..

Karena menurut aku ga ada yang lebih membahagiakan didunia ini, selain melihat orang yang kita sayang tersenyum bahagia.. ( walaupun periiih dan akan menangis )

Jadi aku cuma bisa berharap, kita akan terus begini.. Walaupun kamu/aku nantinya menemukan soulmate masing2.. Seperti yang pernah kita diskusikan.. Aku gak mau kehilangan kamu..

Jangan pernah pergi dari aku.. Biar WAKTU yang menuntun kita ke tempat yang menjadi takdir kita..

Tetaplah menjadi bintang dilangit ( buat menemani malamku ) ya, Lek..

Salam ciyum dari jauh, smoooch!

love, love, love you..

si ndut-mu

His Graduation

Hari ini si Dee ( atau yang biasa gw panggil si jelek :p ) yang gw ceritain di post ini (klik2) graduation !!!

Iyah, GRADUATION = wisudaan.. Ah, jadi gw yang dag dig dug tau gak siih --"

Perasaan gw ikutan campur aduk.. Soalnya udah semingguan ini si Dee selalu ngebahas masalah ini..

Kenapa gw bilang masalah? karena gw diminta dateng sama dia.. Ah, kalau aja Bali - Jakarta bisa ditempuh pake motor dengan jarak waktu 3-5jam gitu ya, gw bakalan dateng, SUMPAH! Gak peduli deh sama kerjaan, di ijinin bokap/nyokap atau ngga *nekad mode : on* 

Tapi yeaaah, kalo si jelek baca ini, pasti dia bakalan rolling-his-eyes dan bilang, "klasik banget sih kamu..cuma bisa jawab gitu2 aja dari dulu.." 

Tapi gw juga serius.. Sumpah demi apapun yang hidup didunia ini deh, termasuk dia, gw pengen banget ada disampingnya dia, ada di momen yang penting dalam hidupnya dia, ngeliat dia bahagia dengan toga-nya, duduk disana dengan sejuta perasaan bangga + bahagia + terharu, ikutan foto2 sama dia, deket sama orang tuanya dia, kenal temen2nya dia  ( even though, hey, who am I ?! ) ..Tapi yeaaaah, gw jauh! 

*shittt, i really hate this feeling #GUILTYFEELING #AmbilTissueMauNangis.

Ah, serius, gw bener2 sediiiih se sedih2nya..Gw juga kepikiran seminggu ini, tapi gw ga mau aja nunjukin sama dia, biar dia ga semakin sedih :( 

Yang jelas, gw pernah ngungkapin semuanya sama dia.. Betapa gw sangat ingin ada disampingnya dia, tapi apa daya.. rasanya gw ngomong atau nulis di blog inipun ( sekalipun seluruh dunia melihat/membaca blog ini, ga akan mengerti perasaan gw yang sebenernya.. Dan ga akan merubah gw untuk bisa ada disana.. Karena memang gak bisa dipaksain dari segi keuangan dan ijin2 *hiks )

Dan ini yang gw tulis buat dia tadi pagi :

This is a bunch of sorry from the deepest of my heart.

I know it will be nothing for you at this time.

But please remember, I may not there with you,

For you, 

But it doesn't mean i'm not love you.

It because it is should be..

God's want you to be stronger.

And for me this is another way to prove,

that i love you..

 

Sure yaang, aku gak disana bukan berarti aku ga sayang sm km.. Bukan berarti aku ga mau berkorban buat kamu.. Bukan berarti aku, kakak kamu, dicky, atau orang2 yang kamu sayang, ngga perduli sama kamu.. Kita sebaliknya, sayang sama kamu, tapi keadaan yang emang nggak memungkinkan.. Kalau aja kamu tau, aku akan menyesali ini seumur hidup aku.. Bukan cuma kamu yang sedih, aku disini juga.. Tapi, aku percaya semua ini bisa mendewasakan kita, terutama kamu..

Tuhan lagi menajamkan mataNya kearah kamu, Dia mau kamu untuk belajar iklas.. Semua masalah kamu, kuncinya cuma satu, Ikhlas.. Aku berharap aku masih punya kesempatan buat membuktikan sayangnya aku ke kamu..

Sekarang, kamu harus senyuuum.. serius ngga lucu kalo pas foto wisuda kamu cemberut :p

Aku tunggu foto2nya yaaa dan aku mau foto kamu senyum bahagia, senyum bangga.. 

Please do it for me, i'm begging you..

Ini surat yang gw tulis buat dia tgl 15nov lalu..

Halaman 1

Halaman 2

Halaman 3

Halaman 4

Heyyy, gw baru aja di ym in sama dia.. Guess what, dia kasih foto ini buat gw..

Si Jelek, senyumnya maksa kaaan -__-" 

Ahh, iriii, aku juga pengen disana, pengen pake baju itu, toga itu.. hahaha..

Well anyway, sekali lagi, congratulation yaaank.. (◦˘⌣˘◦)εˇ 

kalo kata Adele ( penyanyi favourite kamu ) "I wish nothing but the best for you.." (◦˘⌣˘◦)εˇ 

Love,
Achie

Perfect Time

Whoaaa, udah lama banget gw nggak wara wiri di blog.. Jangankan buat bikin postingan, buat blogwalking

yang mana ngga perlu mikir aja gw ngga sempet, sumpaaaah sibuk banget gw.. #BerasaArtis #KibasKaftan #AlaSyahrini.

To be honest, dan bukannya sok sibuk, tapi emang udah ( kurang lebih ) 2 minggu ini gw jadi manusia sibuk..

Di kantor lagi banyak kerjaan karena lagi ngurus group dari Jakarta ke Bali, dan gw handle semua tiketnya..

Belom lagi kemaren agent partner kita di Tehran dateng ( Mrs. Elmira ) dan gw harus nemenin dia inspection ke hotel2..Fyuuuh! boro2 bisa buka FB buat main cityville #EEAA #BocahAbis , buat ngapdet status aja gw ngga sempet, Peeps..Kalo twitter Oke laah, gw masih sempet berkicau2 disitus itu.. Tapi kalau di FB, biasanya gw lebih sering berkata2 mutiara ( dan, hey, it takes a million time to think those word to be shared into a facebook :D ) Jadi, FB gw dan Blog gw sedikit terbengkalai..

But today, di minggu sore nan indah, di temani winamp berisikan lagu2nya sheila on 7 dari jaman dodol sampe jaman google, ditemani juga dengan secangkir nescafe-moccachino  dan cuaca yang mendung mendayu2, daaaaan laptop kantor yang ( alhamdulilah yah.. ) keyboardnya lengkap dan modem smartfren yang hari ini lagi cantik banget, gw jadi semangat banget buat ngeblog..

Yang terpenting karena, aaaah, gw kangen banget nulis..

Peeps, belakangan ini ( setelah ber-mellow2-galau2-labil2 berbulan2 yang lalu ) gw sekarang lagi ter FLASHBACK sama masa2 lalu gw.. Rasanya ini perfect time* banget buat gw cerita disini..

Iyah, gw lagi deket niiih sama mantan pacar  gw waktu jaman SMP ( yeaaah, jaman Sheila on 7 laaah )..

Awalnya karena dia yang lagi patah hati, ngerengek2 pengen ke Bali ( oke bahasanya lebay ).. Terus lama2 jadi sering komunikasi, sering chatting via ym, sering smsan, bahkan telpon2an di jam orang ngeronda..

Hebat juga si dia, bisa bikin seorang achie, kebangun subuh2 dan ngobrol berjam2 -___-"

Iya, si mantan yang satu ini emang masih sering contact, dari dulu hubungan kita emang baik2 saja.. Dan sekarangpun semakin membaik :)

Even, gw juga ngga tau hubungan kita itu seperti apa dan bagaimana.. Yang gw tau, dia masih terluka dan butuh seseorang buat ada disampingnya.. Iya, gw pun pernah merasa seperti itu, gw tau betapa sakitnya perasaan dia saat ini..makanya gw pengen jadi orang yang bisa menyembuhkan dia..

Tapiii, sebelum semakin jauh, kita sudah memagari/memproteksi diri kita masing2 supaya ngga terlalu dalam menyelami "hubungan" ini.. Karena, yeaaah, we have a really big wall which we both can't climb it or even break that wall.. do you know what i mean? yes, religion..

Lagi2 gw ketemu sama masalah itu.. Kita beda agama, dan kita tidak mungkin memanjat tembok yang merupakan fondasi ( prinsip ) hidup kita, kita juga ga bisa menerobosnya.. We have our own way..

Dan rasanyapun ngga akan segampang itu untuk salah satu mengalah dan mengikuti kepercayaan lain.. fyuuuh, too complicated..

Dan masalah kedua, LDR.. ah, walaupun masalah kedua masih bisa di selesaikan.. Tapi, please..

Gw ngga mau terus2an melakukan kesalahan yang sama.. Gw bukan seekor keledai.. Bahkan keledaipun gak akan jatuh di lubang yang sama, kan?

Jadiii, inilah kami.. Hanya saling mengobati, dan kalau kita sudah menemukan OUR PERFECT TIME ( someday ) .. Gw ataupun dia, janji akan rela.. Sakit sih, tapi gw sudah pernah merasakan yang lebih sakit dari ini.. FOR SURE, masa pacaran gw sama si mr.P kemaren, bener2 buat gw belajar dan semakin dewasa..

Makanya gw ngga mau sembarangan lagi.. Gw yang sekarang, lebih hati2 bersikap, lebih hati2 memilih pasangan, lebih hati2 dalam segala hal deh..

Well balik lagi ke perfect time itu.. Kenapa gw bisa kasih judul perfect time? Asli ini nggak sengaja, tapi malah jadi berkesinambungan #Tsaaaah *Bahasa lu, Chie, beraaat..

Iya, awalnya ngerasa ini perfect time buat ngeblog.. Setelah selesai dengan laporan ticketing gw, otak gw terisi penuh ( setelah perut dan tenggorokan gw juga penuh -___-" ) buat ngeblog..

Terus, sambil ngenet gw pilih lagu2 dari sheila on 7 buat nemenin gw.. Dan baru inget juga, ada lagunya sheila on 7 yang judulnya sama ( Perfect Time ) .. Dannn, penasaran dong, apa sih yang dimaksud dengan perfect time oleh Duta, Eross, Adam dan si drummer *yang gw lupa namanya ..

ini dia liriknya :

Tonight is the perfect time

Pack my things and try

Remember all the words that went bad

These hands you should hold

This heart you should keep

Let the stars above us replace all the falling tears

*Would it be better if we were never near

Knowing you more has always been my fear

Let's say goodbye to find a better place

Before it's too late

Reff:

There is always a way for love

But sometimes not on the same road

Dreaming is the only land fits for you and me

[2x]

Tadaaaaa.. kalau boleh saya sedikit sok tau, ini justru bercerita tentang waktu yang tepat untuk berpisah *ini lagunya SO7 yang lain, yak??? 

Iya bener, coba aja dibaca liriknya : let the stars above us replace all the falling tears.. ( biarkan bintang diatas kita menggantikan semua tangisan yang jatuh )..

Dan lirik selanjutnya, Would it be better if we were never near..

yes, yes.. mungkin lebih baik gw sama si dia ( si mantan jaman smp ) , ga pernah dekat dalam jarak..

karena : knowing you more has always been my fear..

yes, yes ( again ) mengenal dia lebih lagi merupakan ketakutan gw..

Let's say goodbye to find a better place.. 

Ehmm, gw ga mau ngelanjutin deh..

Yes, setelah dia atau mungkin gw menemukan soulmate kita masing2, kita mungkin ngga akan sedekat ini lagi.. atau mungkin kita akan berpisah.. Walaupun jujur, ada ketakutan kehilangan dia.. Begitupun dia..
Tapi kalau Tuhan yang mengatur, pasti di waktu yang tepat, dan pasti akan sempurna :)

however, i love you D..

xoxo,

@chieliciouz